Motherhood

What is motherhood? A gift? A calling? A service? A job?

I think motherhood is a gift, it’s a gift that many woman want, and some get. 

From the moment you feel the first kick, you know nothing else comes close... and then you see his face, you see her stop crying the moment her cheek touches yours - barely seconds out of the womb; you see the eyes that fixes upon yours as they suckle at your breast... and you feel so completely loved.. This tiny human who you felt from within before you set eyes on them.

And then they crawl, they walk, they get weaned off... and they don’t need us so much anymore. With each step they take, it’s a step towards independence. They make their own choices, their own friends.. but they need us still, although it may be from afar. 

Do we resent them for wanting meat instead of suckling at our breast?

Do we envy them for their sparkly eyes when they see their dad? Sparkles that’s mirrored on his eyes to see his kids? Or do we sit back and enjoy the view before us?

Then they grow up, do we resent it if one child does better than the other? Is made worse if the child who excels shares our spouses personality, rather than ours? Do we favour the child who is more like ourselves?

And they fall in love - do we have limitations on the spouse they choose? Do we resent them if they choose different from our perceived station of life that we have determined for them? Are we insecure if they choose a spouse who we are unable to fault? Do we resent them if their spouse respects them, cares for them, cares for their family and is gracious even to us? Are we unable to keep our thrones to lord over our kids and their family if they graciously include us, and don’t ask us for anything, except to continue to love them? Do we resent it that our help is no longer needed? Will we be unable to wish them well, and enjoy the grandkids and the gifts and holiday, without somehow resenting their happiness?

Must our love for our kids be limited by how good it makes us look? 

Are we able to let them shine, on their own, knowing, in our hearts that they’ve heard our heartbeat from within - and unless we do things to show that we are not happy for them - they will always know that they are where they are because of us - not in spite of us?

Loneliness

No man’s an island. 

Sure, there are introverts, like me, who don’t jump at the idea of meeting a group of people; especially if tiptoeing around the white elephant in the room and a lot of small talk is involved. That just means we prefer small groups of people with whom we can be ourselves. I mean, why bother if we’ve got to ACT? We still like people, though... Actually, we need people to do life with.

I’ve reached an age where I’m not too particular how many candles you put on the cake. Sometimes I feel like 16, sometimes it’s just 1. In the last decade or so, I’ve been busier than I’ve every been in my life. Doing the wife thing, the mom thing, the daughter in law thing; all very new to me and with absolutely NO ONE to show me the ropes. 

I don’t get this - when we were young, there’s a text book, an activity book, a teacher and maybe even a tution teacher and not to mention our parents, making sure we study, providing whatever support they can - so we pass some test - on paper! 

Now, life gets thrown at me; there’s no lectures, no textbook but the Bible, no teachers, no one supporting me and this is LIFE, this isn’t some silly test. What if I fail? There’s no re sit.

The best part? When the onlookers think we are doing kinda ok; they add to it - with their demands, wishes and requirements. It’s as if the day we got married, their job was over and now its time for payback.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean to sound like an ungrateful child, no. We love our parents, their many siblings with their respective spouses and kids; but do we really have to attend every function while figuring out our new roles? How about that mother in law who retired the moment she inherited a daughter in law? I love her, but did i want to take over her role? -no.

I’ve had so many struggles but no one to talk to. Am I ungrateful that God has answered my prayers, my cries and has never deserted me? Am I ungrateful that God has given us, what was given by our parents to our siblings? Am I ungrateful that I see so clearly that God is fighting for me? No I am not. Everyday I count my blessings and give Him all the glory. As an accountant by profession, a famous tag line between me and my husband is - God always balances the accounts. 

Am I lonely? Yes.

I’m surrounded by people I love so much, but I’m a homeschooling mom with 3 kids, 3 years apart. Aside from being an introvert, or having my hands full, nothing screams “JUDGE ME” like telling someone I homeschool, or that I’m a ‘housewife’. The immediate response is, ‘oh, your husband must be doing really well’. I don’t even want to go there - what do they know about what they’re talking about?

It’s of course, a great comfort that we have Jesus. It’s how I’ve stayed sane, it’s how I appear put together, it’s how I continue to serve, to love, even from so much hurt. This year though, 2020 - it’s like the flood or something, it feels like a reset. Being unable to hang out with other homeschooling moms, or the moms of the friends of my kids - has forced me to acknowledge that I actually do like interacting, hosting and meeting up with friends, with people who are preferably not related to us, but enjoy our company and the company of our kids.

People who are lonely don’t necessarily live alone or walk around in sackcloth. They might be the busiest people, the prettiest people, with the most put together family.

Deep in our hearts, we all just want our family to be happy for us, and friends to do life with.

Third time's a charm.

 There's something special about the third time - with my third baby, I savoured every moment; cos I knew this was the last. I was also more confident, I knew what to do; I knew the drill.

The third wave of the corona virus outbreak has hit us, and ironically; I welcome the slower pace of life with open arms. 

I wake up early to clean the house before anyone's awake; set it up for the day, switch on the diffuser with something bright and happy; citrusy or minty - depending on what we have planned. Then, I switch on some music, make some coffee, take time to do my devotion, journal maybe, check on social media, do the laundry, prepare breakfast, have a bath...

And they all roll out of beds one by one.

Then back to their rooms to make their beds, have their baths... and we gather for breakfast. The day has started.

I like this. I thank God for this weird year. God keeps allowing the pause button to get hit - there must be something we are not getting.

1 Thessalonians 5 :16-18 says

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

James

I've always 'prayed' and quoted James 1:5, asking God for wisdom and reminding Him that He said He will give it freely.

However, its only today I realised verse 3. I've always turned to Hebrew 11 when my faith needs to be fed, and turned to James 1:5 when my brain needed to be fed. So segmented!

It starts with saying  whenever trouble comes our way, to consider it joy! Huh! No wonder I skimmed pass.

But then it says; For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything! and then, relating to the testing of the faith mentioned above, it says if you need wisdom, ask Him, and He will gladly tell you. He will not resent your asking (oooooohhhhh, not for passing exams!)

If I have another son, I'd like to call him James. I love this book THAT much! But I'm not; so let's stick with unpacking this treasure.

The same verses read at different times, tells us different things; which is why the word of God never grows old. I've been going through a particularly faith testing season. Sometimes, I'm so discouraged that I turn to social media or window shopping online; just to keep my mind occupied. I have unanswered questions and issues that I don't know how to make sense of; or to deal with; or even to answer to when I'm asked about it. Just blank - like how is this even possible?

Almost everyday, I ask myself - are we being judgemental, are we being self righteous, what is the log in our eye that's blocking our vision? I toss and turn, because even when a toxic relationship ends, there's still hurt; as it's always been love that allowed this relationship to go on for so long.

And today God tells me that my endurance has a chance to grow now; for me to be strong in character. I don't have the answers; this book is so power packed that I cannot digest more than a few verses at a time - but I do feel lighter. 

It doesn't say when we are tested - it says when our faith is tested. When we start to question what we believe in, when people we look up to fall short, when we don't know where to turn to, or who to talk to - that we have no choice but to dig into the word of God - that's when our endurance has a chance to grow. 

And while we are in this faith testing, endurance growing, character building season - help is only a prayer away. 

Thank You Jesus!

Living within your means

My last post, which was supposed to be about the last decade, focused instead a lot, on help. The Bible tells us to love our neighbour as ourselves, if someone asks for a coat, to give your tunic as well. So we know where the stand is on that.

Im now talking about us. Ourselves. How do we live our lives? 

This world we live in is all about consumerism, living up to the Joneses, keeping appearances, doing it all. The thing no one talks about is, can we afford it? Mentally, emotionally, physically or financially. A lot of time, when help was asked from us, it was because people overcrowded their schedule, or went financially into debt as they subscribed to a lifestyle they couldn't afford.

How do we prevent ourselves from overcommitting? How do we say no?

We're often influenced by fear that the opportunity wouldn't present itself again - a business opportunity, a sale, a publicity stint; whatever it may be. My question is, should we take responsibility of the opportunity cost of taking up that opportunity; ie should we find a paid babysitter to watch our kids or should we ask our friends for a favour? Should we cater food and pay for it or ask friends to bring us food? Should we borrow money from friends or save up or take a bank loan which we repay ourselves ?

It's not easy to say no to friends, and many salespeople capitalise on this. However, many friendships are also put on a strain when the parties take advantage of the awkwardness of saying 'no' to push their agendas through.

After agreeing to lend a hand or money a time or two, it gets harder to say no when the same people come back for more. They ALWAYS have a very convincing story where they are a victim of circumstances.

After years of helping, it's impossible to say no without looking like a bad guy. They think it's owed to them, for us to drop our schedules and commitments and see to their needs when they ask. We also have no right to have a say in anything though they behave like they have a right to our resources - be it time or money. Somehow, the universe plays a joke on us and makes us out to be the evil ones for finally plucking up the courage to say no.

Think. 

Yay or Nay?

The decade that has passed...

We celebrated my son's 10th birthday yesterday, which makes me reflect on the last 10 years. A whole decade. I don't usually like putting my thoughts out there, writing parental blogs, or having podcasts or books. It takes too much of me, making myself vulnerable, and exposing my kids and family to judgement - besides, who am I to advice on how to raise your kids - mine are still a work in progress.

I realised, after 10 years, that it's not about having it all figured out; just savouring the moments and sharing the downs and how we got up again, and some ups as well.

On our wedding day, I made a vow to keep our 'bubble' a safe place, and in the last 11 years we have fought hard to keep it that way. It means not sharing struggles within a marriage with anyone outside - as it could undermine each other and thus, the bubble will cease to be a safe place where we can be our true selves (this does not apply, of course if the relationship is abusive in which case outside help is definitely needed). This safeguarding of boundaries and keeping our bubble safe has been one of the keys to a happy home. Neither of us are perfect, but we should be able to be our weird imperfect self in our homes where we know we will be unconditionally accepted and not talked about. Furthermore, life is a journey and we all make mistakes; and in order for our spouses to be our best friends, we should be able to have no secrets from them.

Help is not free. We learnt that early on and had to make tough choices in order to maintain independence. It may seem arrogant, or proud to some, that we try to do it all on our own; but we have been in the position too many times where, after accepting help from someone, they ask for something else from us where we are unable to say no, because of the help accepted. The irony is, we are willing to help others but there are people who take that willingness for granted and just keep coming back for more. Then, they even have the audacity to come up with reasonings on why we are so 'free' to help them. This species - we are still trying to figure out; but we've come to recognise some characteristics so we have a chance to save ourselves before its too late. 

There was once, we broke our code and made an exception to help someone more than we could; it took a lot out of us, and we were snubbed in return. Lesson learned - don't give more than you have to spare, and certainly don't borrow to lend. People don't realise what it cost us, to help them. When we love someone so much that we break our own codes for them; it hurts even more to see them so arrogant that they completely lack even an ounce of respect - even if not for you, then for what you've done. 

People are not happy when we don't ask them for help that they want to give. People are not happy when they can't have your resources on their terms - be it time, money or expertise.  10 years on, I'm looking for people who we can coexist with, have a good time, take turns hosting or go dutch on dinner and go back to living our respective lives; who will try to not impose on you unless it's really an emergency, and who will give help sincerely without asking for anything in return. I'm looking for my tribe.

When someone helps us, write it in a rock; when we help someone write it in sand. That way, we will be grateful for help received but gracious about help given. Jesus may have paid the price for us to have our sins forgiven - but when we're on earth, there's consequences for our actions. And unless we teach our children that - the prisons are going to be filled with Conceited Christian Criminals who think they can bypass the justice system through the blood of Christ. Not really light and salt of the earth as we are supposed to be.

10 years ago, when my son was born, I had an issue with every Tom, Dick and Harry taking pictures of him on their phones and uploading them on Facebook. My parents had an Indonesian helper who even took pictures of him on her phone when he was naked! I knew then that Facebook is like a spy we invited into our home. Of course, many were offended, all of them with no kids of their own; but parenting experts in their own eyes. Now, with Facebook taking over WhatsApp and Instagram, this reality is more scary than ever. I still feel the same about safeguarding the boundaries of our home, and am deeply offended when my guests, especially, who I have hosted take the hospitality to a different level by recording my kids when they are relaxed at home and posting them on social media. Another group I'm trying to decipher as it wouldn't be nice to just not invite them anymore; or to tell my kids to not be too relaxed in our own home.

When we decided that I would quit my job to raise our son, many started speculating that we were rich, my husband was earning a lot of money, or what not. They probably forgot what its like to be in your late 20s and early 30s, starting a home and family - they were just not happy that we wouldn't be depending on them to help out and so they couldn't control us. Believe it or not, the demands on us increased. Single income, new parents, with a whole lot of bills to pay - and the demands on us, by those we loved most, increased. It wasn't a bed of roses - it was full of poopy diapers and bills - but the smiles our son gave us, the simple home cooked food we enjoyed, and the happiness inside our bubble was worth it. The foundations were being built. In between midnight feeds and weekend family visits.

I love hosting, but I love to be hosted as well. I don't like babysitting kids, unless it's going to be reciprocated with my kids having a fun, safe wholesome time too. I'm done craving acceptance and wanting to be liked. I'm done doing things to please others. I'm done sharing my heart out to people thinking they really care, only to find out they're just digging for a juicy story.  I've got an obligation to the kids, I'm accountable to my other half, who works hard financing us, I've got an obligation to myself; to do the best I can.

And guess what? I find that when we have God at the centre of our marriage, as the anchor of our lives, and when we know that He's got our back - there is peace in the chaos; and beauty in the ordinary. 

God does not see as man sees, man looks at the outward appearance but God looks at our heart. Meaning He knows the why's; people may misunderstand us, but that's on them - and I've noticed that they'll realise their folly given enough time. The secrets of the heart will eventually come out - in word or deed, good or bad. We've got to keep the Bible as our compass and our anchor. There's just no other way.

Sekian. Some lessons learnt in the past decade. Still learning, might have to unlearn some and learn it again, but that post will be for the next decade.

Another New Beginning

It's not easy to 're-start' in a new place. Yet, it can be seen as an opportunity many do not have. We have a chance to make new friends, to add to the friends we already have; a chance to call a new city 'home', a chance to break from routines and start again; evaluating which added value and which used up time. A chance to create new boundaries, a chance to do things the way we wished we did it the last time around. A chance to see which friendships stood the test of time, who were happy to have us back and who were envious of God's favour and secretly wishing we came back with our head hung low. Yes, there are those too....

We've been blessed to be given a chance to reboot twice now, one five years after our marriage and then another five years later. The first one was welcomed with open arms, and we were eager for the adventures ahead. It has been a wonderful journey; with its ups and downs - but most importantly, it gave us the opportunity to breathe, to get to know ourselves, to make friends, to enjoy nature and family and friendships. However, the only reason we were willing to move was because we needed a new scenery, ie the road had become too tough. Too demanding, we needed to be just us for awhile. And it was good.

This new move though, was not so welcomed, but it was time. We knew it in our hearts that our previous adventure was not the final one. In many ways, it's proven to be good. In some ways, it's been sad, as character shines through bullshit and people who honour on social media dishonour and hurt us in person.  From across the South China Sea, it's easy to let it go; but from here, I guess the time for escapism is over.  Hopefully the years we had to grow; has prepared us for the next lap.

Matthew 23 reminded me that religious leaders were warned not to follow the Pharisees. However the description of the Pharisees sounded very much like the said people; who have been given the place of honour by independent religious organisations; and now think they deserve such titles and honour - without education, experience or character that is befitting of such titles.

We ran away the last time; believing there's something wrong with us, because we didn't speak bullshit; it's known by many terms - tact, charisma, whatever - the gene we didn't have. We came back realising there are many people like us, who like us, and who we have come to admire, even after all the sparkle wears out.

I pray God gives us the strength and endurance for this journey. That we will rise up to be what we have been called to be. And that He will comfort us for what we have lost.