Intentionality

Being intentional is underrated.

Theres’s this saying - if you don’t know where you’re going, any road will take you there.

Many times in life, especially in a new stage of life - we try to please everyone and reach a stage where we are flustered, confused and end up pleasing no one.

It took us awhile to learn to be intentional. Let me tell you, it is not convenient; nor is it easy. We need a clear, loud, WHY to keep us going when everyone and everything else says otherwise.

Sometimes the things we are intentional about can pull us in different directions - then we will need to prioritise and that would make us stop and evaluate our priorities carefully before deciding on how we are going to move forward.

We found ourselves caught in a situation like that recently - and knowing well we have been swept away by situations in the past; and realised too late the consequences of not being intentional - we paused to think this time.

We decided to prioritise family, and being together over being apart.

When I quit my job to become a full time SAHM, we received many unsupportive opinions. Soon after, these people had their own lists of things that I should be doing for them, since I was not “working”. Truth is, I never stopped working, just stopped getting paid for it. 11 years on, quitting my job to be a SAHM was one of the best decisions we made.

5 years into our marriage, we made another big decision to uproot and move to Sabah for a career opportunity and family time. Again we faced much opposition; again it proved to be one of the better decisions we made.

Decisions we make by ourselves and without consulting anyone else, other than committing it to God in prayer, always seem to be the better ones. 

When we listen to others, it’s always slightly biased - as I have a tendency to swerve towards my family’s opinions and my husband towards his. It’s never worked out well.

We need to be intentional in showing our spouses that they matter to us; their opinion and their happiness is valuable to us. We also need to be intentional in committing our marriage to God, in asking God to lead us to be better spouses and how to serve and be a blessing to each other.

Another thing we need to understand is, that as much as our parents love us; there might be a change in their attitude once we are married. They might see us as competition to themselves, or to their other children. We need to be intentional about loving them and setting boundaries, knowing well that it’s because we love and value the relationship that we take these measures. We cannot expect to tell them everything and want them to be as happy for us as we are ourselves. We are now a separate entity and need to behave as such. If we don’t, we cannot get offended when they do not respect us as a married couple but instead an extension of themselves. 

So, being intentional is underrated. The importance of not taking our time for granted cannot be emphasised enough. Prioritising the kids are important, but not over the marriage. Just like prioritising our parents is important, but not over the marriage. Provided, of course that the marriage is between two equal partners - if anyone turned abusive or if the marriage is dysfunctional then external help is needed and different measures would then be taken. 

Which is why, we should evaluate ourselves all the time; evaluate our choices, how we spend our time, who we spend it with, and how much we will tolerate being used beyond what we signed up for. As we need to be intentional about everything.

Know who and what we are being intentional about. For me, I chose to spend my life with this guy with a nice smile; chose to have his babies, take on his name... my intentionality starts with God, and then this guy.. and anyone or anything that goes against this will need to be reevaluated. A kid needs a mom and a dad. Parents don’t really want to get in between their children and their spouses. It’s up to us to make that call to decide on what is beneficial and what is not, without disclosing all the details to our marriage to everyone.

Not an easy lesson, but one of immeasurable value.

Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12

Homeschooling

Homeschooling is in trend now, what with the Covid taking over our lives. Suddenly, everything is at home. Work, study and play. Is it homeschooling though, or school at home?

For me, it started way back - it wasn’t the term or the trend then, it was just what felt right. Many see me staying home with the kids a waste of resources. I still feel that way sometimes; but not often. See, the kids milk me more than I would have given any company. As an employee, I would have left work on time - cos I would have worked for the money. With the kids though, there’s no clock in or clock out, and I get no money out of it.

Many also think we’re rich. Let me tell you a secret - my husband and I are both Accountancy degree holders. He applied his degree to his job, and I applied mine at home. Our ringgit is stretched to pay for assets and investments, and our expenses have not increased much over the years; definitely not in proportion to our earnings. We have one car, which will be paid up in 2 months, we take care of it and make it work for us. We don’t have credit cards, and our only loan is our home loan; which we also wish were paid up already. 

This is the trick. Don’t care about the Joneses. Do what is right, for your family, and your income capacity - everything else will fall into place. If our lifestyle increased with our earring capacity; how will we ever build our investments? How will we ever be satisfied with our EPF funds when we retire? If we become used to living up to our earnings, or beyond - then our retirement funds would have run out before we have a chance to relax. If we are used to credit cards, then our EPF would have been spent before we have a chance to withdraw it. Then, we’d have to take on a part time job - and retirement would be a luxury, just like a mom raising her kids and teaching them is seen as a luxury today.

So no - we are not rich. Nor do we have rich parents - they provided us with food, clothes and education and are actually worried with what we are depriving their grandkids of. The decision to cut 40% of household income to stay home with the baby, was made when we were 4 months pregnant. There were many sacrifices and many people thought it was nuts to be living the way we were. We were happy though. We didn’t buy clothes on a whim, we ate at home, instead of eating out - and realised that the grocery budget was was more than enough. Enough even to buy ingredients to cook fancy meals to be enjoyed at home. Going out was for special occasions. Then, we got used to it; and it has become a lifestyle.

Similarly, we taught our kids - words, manners, games; and it progressed to songs and nursery rhymes and alphabets and numbers. When we taught them though, it wasn’t with a blackboard and a desk - it was whatever, whenever, however, and usually after an interest was shown. 

To be honest, we tried kindergarten with our eldest, and we saw the makings of robots. Just when we found the right kindergarten, appropriately named Institute Of Play; we took a job in another state and couldn’t continue for the next year.

However, as much as they did learn, and found friends - I saw that my son, who was usually hungry for knowledge, became resistant to learning. I researched, of course -  that’s the first time I heard the term ‘interest based learning’ and realised that was what I was doing at home. And it worked well. Why wouldn’t it? They are learning about something they are interested in and mostly through play and from someone who loves them and wants the best for them.

Who can compete with that?

Proverbs 22:6 - Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.

We try our way, based on our interpretation- and your way, or interpretation may differ - and I’m sure God will give you the grace for what He has called you to do; just like He’s given us grace for our journey.

Home is where you're loved the most.

With all the things that's been going on the past 2 weeks, I've been extremely homesick. Today, we went back to visit my family after the longest time and it felt like going to... Disneyland.

Somehow, going back to my family house, seeing my parents and siblings and just being there makes me feel so happy; without a care in the world, and 10 years younger - in a good way.

I realised that no matter how nice (or not) they are, in laws will always be in laws. You may call them mum or dad but they're not (your mum or dad). For someone like me, who lives in fairyland where the princesses get married and live happily ever after, this is something I'm starting to learn. As my aunty mentioned earlier, the honeymoon is coming to an end and reality is creeping in.

So I need to wake up and make my reality a dream. After all, my prince is still charming and my son is still a cherub. I have the awesome responsibility of making their home into a bubble of love and comfort where they will feel like they're in Disneyland.

That's my role. I'm a homemaker, my job is to turn my house into a home.

A Year Old Mom

I celebrated my first year as a mother last Thursday. We couldn't help but look back on the year that has passed; and especially that fateful day last September.

08.09.10 is a date I'll never forget. My pregnancy was not smooth sailing, and neither was the delivery. However from that day on things just kept getting better. My son is a joy to be around; and I am not saying that just because he's my son. ( well, maybe I am, but it's still true)

We've gone through the fever, the flu, tummy upsets, teething pains, falls and bumps, a cut lip, lots of laughter, good times, not so good times... experiences too rich for the english language (or at least my command of it).

We've come a long way, the 3 of us. We started off with baby steps; small, shaky, unsteady little steps. Now we walk with more confidence; perhaps someday we can run.

My son is small, as in petite. It worries me when I see other babies so big, I tend to count the teeth on other babies his age, see what skills they have acquired, etc. Sometimes I feel I should do more, I should teach him more, feed him more (as in force feed him); I have moments of insecurity, and its at these times that I'm so so grateful for the encouragement and support from my best frind, parter, love and rock. He's level headed, mature, patient, caring, loving, romatic, sweet... and he understands exactly what I'm saying (no, I'm not talking about God; although he tends to think he is *God* at times)

Anyway, the babe's still small, and now recovering from a bad case of diahrrea and vomitting. I never leave his side. All I do is feed him breastmilk, play with him and cuddle him to sleep. He seems happy and on the road to recovery.

While other babies can say their ABC's, mine can hug, kiss, say 'bye bye', clap his hands and dance. I'm happy cos the first thing he learnt was to kiss and guess who got the first kiss?

The year that has been...

It being the new year and all, the natural thing to do was to reflect on the year that has passed. It has without doubt been the fastest year of my life; if there is such a thing. From 'getting to know' my new spouse slowly; the process suddenly accelerated and we got to know each other so much better at so many levels and (thankfully!) what I discovered only made me love him more.

In January we found out we were pregnant, in February we moved into our first home, we hosted our first dinner in March, went for a babymoon in April. Was sick in May and saw just how patient and loving and caring my husband was. Fell in love with him again; vowed never to take him for granted. June and July was spent furnishing our nest and preparing for the lil one. In August we celebrated our first wedding anniversary, our son was born in September. Was pampered at my mom's in October; quit my job in November, had our son's baby dedication in December for which my husband and I cooked for 50+ people while taking care of our 2month old baby. And today as I look back; I wonder... did we have time to catch our breath?

So, yeah it was an eventful year. My goals for 2011? To sit back, smell the roses, watch my son grow, love my husband, to build and nurture relationships, to cook, bake, personalise our home, exercise patience, nurture love and to thank God each day for all He has blessed me with.