Loneliness

No man’s an island. 

Sure, there are introverts, like me, who don’t jump at the idea of meeting a group of people; especially if tiptoeing around the white elephant in the room and a lot of small talk is involved. That just means we prefer small groups of people with whom we can be ourselves. I mean, why bother if we’ve got to ACT? We still like people, though... Actually, we need people to do life with.

I’ve reached an age where I’m not too particular how many candles you put on the cake. Sometimes I feel like 16, sometimes it’s just 1. In the last decade or so, I’ve been busier than I’ve every been in my life. Doing the wife thing, the mom thing, the daughter in law thing; all very new to me and with absolutely NO ONE to show me the ropes. 

I don’t get this - when we were young, there’s a text book, an activity book, a teacher and maybe even a tution teacher and not to mention our parents, making sure we study, providing whatever support they can - so we pass some test - on paper! 

Now, life gets thrown at me; there’s no lectures, no textbook but the Bible, no teachers, no one supporting me and this is LIFE, this isn’t some silly test. What if I fail? There’s no re sit.

The best part? When the onlookers think we are doing kinda ok; they add to it - with their demands, wishes and requirements. It’s as if the day we got married, their job was over and now its time for payback.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean to sound like an ungrateful child, no. We love our parents, their many siblings with their respective spouses and kids; but do we really have to attend every function while figuring out our new roles? How about that mother in law who retired the moment she inherited a daughter in law? I love her, but did i want to take over her role? -no.

I’ve had so many struggles but no one to talk to. Am I ungrateful that God has answered my prayers, my cries and has never deserted me? Am I ungrateful that God has given us, what was given by our parents to our siblings? Am I ungrateful that I see so clearly that God is fighting for me? No I am not. Everyday I count my blessings and give Him all the glory. As an accountant by profession, a famous tag line between me and my husband is - God always balances the accounts. 

Am I lonely? Yes.

I’m surrounded by people I love so much, but I’m a homeschooling mom with 3 kids, 3 years apart. Aside from being an introvert, or having my hands full, nothing screams “JUDGE ME” like telling someone I homeschool, or that I’m a ‘housewife’. The immediate response is, ‘oh, your husband must be doing really well’. I don’t even want to go there - what do they know about what they’re talking about?

It’s of course, a great comfort that we have Jesus. It’s how I’ve stayed sane, it’s how I appear put together, it’s how I continue to serve, to love, even from so much hurt. This year though, 2020 - it’s like the flood or something, it feels like a reset. Being unable to hang out with other homeschooling moms, or the moms of the friends of my kids - has forced me to acknowledge that I actually do like interacting, hosting and meeting up with friends, with people who are preferably not related to us, but enjoy our company and the company of our kids.

People who are lonely don’t necessarily live alone or walk around in sackcloth. They might be the busiest people, the prettiest people, with the most put together family.

Deep in our hearts, we all just want our family to be happy for us, and friends to do life with.

Third time's a charm.

 There's something special about the third time - with my third baby, I savoured every moment; cos I knew this was the last. I was also more confident, I knew what to do; I knew the drill.

The third wave of the corona virus outbreak has hit us, and ironically; I welcome the slower pace of life with open arms. 

I wake up early to clean the house before anyone's awake; set it up for the day, switch on the diffuser with something bright and happy; citrusy or minty - depending on what we have planned. Then, I switch on some music, make some coffee, take time to do my devotion, journal maybe, check on social media, do the laundry, prepare breakfast, have a bath...

And they all roll out of beds one by one.

Then back to their rooms to make their beds, have their baths... and we gather for breakfast. The day has started.

I like this. I thank God for this weird year. God keeps allowing the pause button to get hit - there must be something we are not getting.

1 Thessalonians 5 :16-18 says

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

James

I've always 'prayed' and quoted James 1:5, asking God for wisdom and reminding Him that He said He will give it freely.

However, its only today I realised verse 3. I've always turned to Hebrew 11 when my faith needs to be fed, and turned to James 1:5 when my brain needed to be fed. So segmented!

It starts with saying  whenever trouble comes our way, to consider it joy! Huh! No wonder I skimmed pass.

But then it says; For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything! and then, relating to the testing of the faith mentioned above, it says if you need wisdom, ask Him, and He will gladly tell you. He will not resent your asking (oooooohhhhh, not for passing exams!)

If I have another son, I'd like to call him James. I love this book THAT much! But I'm not; so let's stick with unpacking this treasure.

The same verses read at different times, tells us different things; which is why the word of God never grows old. I've been going through a particularly faith testing season. Sometimes, I'm so discouraged that I turn to social media or window shopping online; just to keep my mind occupied. I have unanswered questions and issues that I don't know how to make sense of; or to deal with; or even to answer to when I'm asked about it. Just blank - like how is this even possible?

Almost everyday, I ask myself - are we being judgemental, are we being self righteous, what is the log in our eye that's blocking our vision? I toss and turn, because even when a toxic relationship ends, there's still hurt; as it's always been love that allowed this relationship to go on for so long.

And today God tells me that my endurance has a chance to grow now; for me to be strong in character. I don't have the answers; this book is so power packed that I cannot digest more than a few verses at a time - but I do feel lighter. 

It doesn't say when we are tested - it says when our faith is tested. When we start to question what we believe in, when people we look up to fall short, when we don't know where to turn to, or who to talk to - that we have no choice but to dig into the word of God - that's when our endurance has a chance to grow. 

And while we are in this faith testing, endurance growing, character building season - help is only a prayer away. 

Thank You Jesus!