Loneliness

No man’s an island. 

Sure, there are introverts, like me, who don’t jump at the idea of meeting a group of people; especially if tiptoeing around the white elephant in the room and a lot of small talk is involved. That just means we prefer small groups of people with whom we can be ourselves. I mean, why bother if we’ve got to ACT? We still like people, though... Actually, we need people to do life with.

I’ve reached an age where I’m not too particular how many candles you put on the cake. Sometimes I feel like 16, sometimes it’s just 1. In the last decade or so, I’ve been busier than I’ve every been in my life. Doing the wife thing, the mom thing, the daughter in law thing; all very new to me and with absolutely NO ONE to show me the ropes. 

I don’t get this - when we were young, there’s a text book, an activity book, a teacher and maybe even a tution teacher and not to mention our parents, making sure we study, providing whatever support they can - so we pass some test - on paper! 

Now, life gets thrown at me; there’s no lectures, no textbook but the Bible, no teachers, no one supporting me and this is LIFE, this isn’t some silly test. What if I fail? There’s no re sit.

The best part? When the onlookers think we are doing kinda ok; they add to it - with their demands, wishes and requirements. It’s as if the day we got married, their job was over and now its time for payback.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean to sound like an ungrateful child, no. We love our parents, their many siblings with their respective spouses and kids; but do we really have to attend every function while figuring out our new roles? How about that mother in law who retired the moment she inherited a daughter in law? I love her, but did i want to take over her role? -no.

I’ve had so many struggles but no one to talk to. Am I ungrateful that God has answered my prayers, my cries and has never deserted me? Am I ungrateful that God has given us, what was given by our parents to our siblings? Am I ungrateful that I see so clearly that God is fighting for me? No I am not. Everyday I count my blessings and give Him all the glory. As an accountant by profession, a famous tag line between me and my husband is - God always balances the accounts. 

Am I lonely? Yes.

I’m surrounded by people I love so much, but I’m a homeschooling mom with 3 kids, 3 years apart. Aside from being an introvert, or having my hands full, nothing screams “JUDGE ME” like telling someone I homeschool, or that I’m a ‘housewife’. The immediate response is, ‘oh, your husband must be doing really well’. I don’t even want to go there - what do they know about what they’re talking about?

It’s of course, a great comfort that we have Jesus. It’s how I’ve stayed sane, it’s how I appear put together, it’s how I continue to serve, to love, even from so much hurt. This year though, 2020 - it’s like the flood or something, it feels like a reset. Being unable to hang out with other homeschooling moms, or the moms of the friends of my kids - has forced me to acknowledge that I actually do like interacting, hosting and meeting up with friends, with people who are preferably not related to us, but enjoy our company and the company of our kids.

People who are lonely don’t necessarily live alone or walk around in sackcloth. They might be the busiest people, the prettiest people, with the most put together family.

Deep in our hearts, we all just want our family to be happy for us, and friends to do life with.