Being intentional is underrated.
Theres’s this saying - if you don’t know where you’re going, any road will take you there.
Many times in life, especially in a new stage of life - we try to please everyone and reach a stage where we are flustered, confused and end up pleasing no one.
It took us awhile to learn to be intentional. Let me tell you, it is not convenient; nor is it easy. We need a clear, loud, WHY to keep us going when everyone and everything else says otherwise.
Sometimes the things we are intentional about can pull us in different directions - then we will need to prioritise and that would make us stop and evaluate our priorities carefully before deciding on how we are going to move forward.
We found ourselves caught in a situation like that recently - and knowing well we have been swept away by situations in the past; and realised too late the consequences of not being intentional - we paused to think this time.
We decided to prioritise family, and being together over being apart.
When I quit my job to become a full time SAHM, we received many unsupportive opinions. Soon after, these people had their own lists of things that I should be doing for them, since I was not “working”. Truth is, I never stopped working, just stopped getting paid for it. 11 years on, quitting my job to be a SAHM was one of the best decisions we made.
5 years into our marriage, we made another big decision to uproot and move to Sabah for a career opportunity and family time. Again we faced much opposition; again it proved to be one of the better decisions we made.
Decisions we make by ourselves and without consulting anyone else, other than committing it to God in prayer, always seem to be the better ones.
When we listen to others, it’s always slightly biased - as I have a tendency to swerve towards my family’s opinions and my husband towards his. It’s never worked out well.
We need to be intentional in showing our spouses that they matter to us; their opinion and their happiness is valuable to us. We also need to be intentional in committing our marriage to God, in asking God to lead us to be better spouses and how to serve and be a blessing to each other.
Another thing we need to understand is, that as much as our parents love us; there might be a change in their attitude once we are married. They might see us as competition to themselves, or to their other children. We need to be intentional about loving them and setting boundaries, knowing well that it’s because we love and value the relationship that we take these measures. We cannot expect to tell them everything and want them to be as happy for us as we are ourselves. We are now a separate entity and need to behave as such. If we don’t, we cannot get offended when they do not respect us as a married couple but instead an extension of themselves.
So, being intentional is underrated. The importance of not taking our time for granted cannot be emphasised enough. Prioritising the kids are important, but not over the marriage. Just like prioritising our parents is important, but not over the marriage. Provided, of course that the marriage is between two equal partners - if anyone turned abusive or if the marriage is dysfunctional then external help is needed and different measures would then be taken.
Which is why, we should evaluate ourselves all the time; evaluate our choices, how we spend our time, who we spend it with, and how much we will tolerate being used beyond what we signed up for. As we need to be intentional about everything.
Know who and what we are being intentional about. For me, I chose to spend my life with this guy with a nice smile; chose to have his babies, take on his name... my intentionality starts with God, and then this guy.. and anyone or anything that goes against this will need to be reevaluated. A kid needs a mom and a dad. Parents don’t really want to get in between their children and their spouses. It’s up to us to make that call to decide on what is beneficial and what is not, without disclosing all the details to our marriage to everyone.
Not an easy lesson, but one of immeasurable value.
Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12
