We celebrated my son's 10th birthday yesterday, which makes me reflect on the last 10 years. A whole decade. I don't usually like putting my thoughts out there, writing parental blogs, or having podcasts or books. It takes too much of me, making myself vulnerable, and exposing my kids and family to judgement - besides, who am I to advice on how to raise your kids - mine are still a work in progress.
I realised, after 10 years, that it's not about having it all figured out; just savouring the moments and sharing the downs and how we got up again, and some ups as well.
On our wedding day, I made a vow to keep our 'bubble' a safe place, and in the last 11 years we have fought hard to keep it that way. It means not sharing struggles within a marriage with anyone outside - as it could undermine each other and thus, the bubble will cease to be a safe place where we can be our true selves (this does not apply, of course if the relationship is abusive in which case outside help is definitely needed). This safeguarding of boundaries and keeping our bubble safe has been one of the keys to a happy home. Neither of us are perfect, but we should be able to be our weird imperfect self in our homes where we know we will be unconditionally accepted and not talked about. Furthermore, life is a journey and we all make mistakes; and in order for our spouses to be our best friends, we should be able to have no secrets from them.
Help is not free. We learnt that early on and had to make tough choices in order to maintain independence. It may seem arrogant, or proud to some, that we try to do it all on our own; but we have been in the position too many times where, after accepting help from someone, they ask for something else from us where we are unable to say no, because of the help accepted. The irony is, we are willing to help others but there are people who take that willingness for granted and just keep coming back for more. Then, they even have the audacity to come up with reasonings on why we are so 'free' to help them. This species - we are still trying to figure out; but we've come to recognise some characteristics so we have a chance to save ourselves before its too late.
There was once, we broke our code and made an exception to help someone more than we could; it took a lot out of us, and we were snubbed in return. Lesson learned - don't give more than you have to spare, and certainly don't borrow to lend. People don't realise what it cost us, to help them. When we love someone so much that we break our own codes for them; it hurts even more to see them so arrogant that they completely lack even an ounce of respect - even if not for you, then for what you've done.
People are not happy when we don't ask them for help that they want to give. People are not happy when they can't have your resources on their terms - be it time, money or expertise. 10 years on, I'm looking for people who we can coexist with, have a good time, take turns hosting or go dutch on dinner and go back to living our respective lives; who will try to not impose on you unless it's really an emergency, and who will give help sincerely without asking for anything in return. I'm looking for my tribe.
When someone helps us, write it in a rock; when we help someone write it in sand. That way, we will be grateful for help received but gracious about help given. Jesus may have paid the price for us to have our sins forgiven - but when we're on earth, there's consequences for our actions. And unless we teach our children that - the prisons are going to be filled with Conceited Christian Criminals who think they can bypass the justice system through the blood of Christ. Not really light and salt of the earth as we are supposed to be.
10 years ago, when my son was born, I had an issue with every Tom, Dick and Harry taking pictures of him on their phones and uploading them on Facebook. My parents had an Indonesian helper who even took pictures of him on her phone when he was naked! I knew then that Facebook is like a spy we invited into our home. Of course, many were offended, all of them with no kids of their own; but parenting experts in their own eyes. Now, with Facebook taking over WhatsApp and Instagram, this reality is more scary than ever. I still feel the same about safeguarding the boundaries of our home, and am deeply offended when my guests, especially, who I have hosted take the hospitality to a different level by recording my kids when they are relaxed at home and posting them on social media. Another group I'm trying to decipher as it wouldn't be nice to just not invite them anymore; or to tell my kids to not be too relaxed in our own home.
When we decided that I would quit my job to raise our son, many started speculating that we were rich, my husband was earning a lot of money, or what not. They probably forgot what its like to be in your late 20s and early 30s, starting a home and family - they were just not happy that we wouldn't be depending on them to help out and so they couldn't control us. Believe it or not, the demands on us increased. Single income, new parents, with a whole lot of bills to pay - and the demands on us, by those we loved most, increased. It wasn't a bed of roses - it was full of poopy diapers and bills - but the smiles our son gave us, the simple home cooked food we enjoyed, and the happiness inside our bubble was worth it. The foundations were being built. In between midnight feeds and weekend family visits.
I love hosting, but I love to be hosted as well. I don't like babysitting kids, unless it's going to be reciprocated with my kids having a fun, safe wholesome time too. I'm done craving acceptance and wanting to be liked. I'm done doing things to please others. I'm done sharing my heart out to people thinking they really care, only to find out they're just digging for a juicy story. I've got an obligation to the kids, I'm accountable to my other half, who works hard financing us, I've got an obligation to myself; to do the best I can.
And guess what? I find that when we have God at the centre of our marriage, as the anchor of our lives, and when we know that He's got our back - there is peace in the chaos; and beauty in the ordinary.
God does not see as man sees, man looks at the outward appearance but God looks at our heart. Meaning He knows the why's; people may misunderstand us, but that's on them - and I've noticed that they'll realise their folly given enough time. The secrets of the heart will eventually come out - in word or deed, good or bad. We've got to keep the Bible as our compass and our anchor. There's just no other way.
Sekian. Some lessons learnt in the past decade. Still learning, might have to unlearn some and learn it again, but that post will be for the next decade.
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