Intentionality

Being intentional is underrated.

Theres’s this saying - if you don’t know where you’re going, any road will take you there.

Many times in life, especially in a new stage of life - we try to please everyone and reach a stage where we are flustered, confused and end up pleasing no one.

It took us awhile to learn to be intentional. Let me tell you, it is not convenient; nor is it easy. We need a clear, loud, WHY to keep us going when everyone and everything else says otherwise.

Sometimes the things we are intentional about can pull us in different directions - then we will need to prioritise and that would make us stop and evaluate our priorities carefully before deciding on how we are going to move forward.

We found ourselves caught in a situation like that recently - and knowing well we have been swept away by situations in the past; and realised too late the consequences of not being intentional - we paused to think this time.

We decided to prioritise family, and being together over being apart.

When I quit my job to become a full time SAHM, we received many unsupportive opinions. Soon after, these people had their own lists of things that I should be doing for them, since I was not “working”. Truth is, I never stopped working, just stopped getting paid for it. 11 years on, quitting my job to be a SAHM was one of the best decisions we made.

5 years into our marriage, we made another big decision to uproot and move to Sabah for a career opportunity and family time. Again we faced much opposition; again it proved to be one of the better decisions we made.

Decisions we make by ourselves and without consulting anyone else, other than committing it to God in prayer, always seem to be the better ones. 

When we listen to others, it’s always slightly biased - as I have a tendency to swerve towards my family’s opinions and my husband towards his. It’s never worked out well.

We need to be intentional in showing our spouses that they matter to us; their opinion and their happiness is valuable to us. We also need to be intentional in committing our marriage to God, in asking God to lead us to be better spouses and how to serve and be a blessing to each other.

Another thing we need to understand is, that as much as our parents love us; there might be a change in their attitude once we are married. They might see us as competition to themselves, or to their other children. We need to be intentional about loving them and setting boundaries, knowing well that it’s because we love and value the relationship that we take these measures. We cannot expect to tell them everything and want them to be as happy for us as we are ourselves. We are now a separate entity and need to behave as such. If we don’t, we cannot get offended when they do not respect us as a married couple but instead an extension of themselves. 

So, being intentional is underrated. The importance of not taking our time for granted cannot be emphasised enough. Prioritising the kids are important, but not over the marriage. Just like prioritising our parents is important, but not over the marriage. Provided, of course that the marriage is between two equal partners - if anyone turned abusive or if the marriage is dysfunctional then external help is needed and different measures would then be taken. 

Which is why, we should evaluate ourselves all the time; evaluate our choices, how we spend our time, who we spend it with, and how much we will tolerate being used beyond what we signed up for. As we need to be intentional about everything.

Know who and what we are being intentional about. For me, I chose to spend my life with this guy with a nice smile; chose to have his babies, take on his name... my intentionality starts with God, and then this guy.. and anyone or anything that goes against this will need to be reevaluated. A kid needs a mom and a dad. Parents don’t really want to get in between their children and their spouses. It’s up to us to make that call to decide on what is beneficial and what is not, without disclosing all the details to our marriage to everyone.

Not an easy lesson, but one of immeasurable value.

Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12

Raising kids in the Covid- era

While times have certainly changed from when we were growing up - in terms of kids safety, increased cynicism, racism, wider social divide, etc; we still managed to create a world pretty much to reflect a harmonious society like the one we grew up in - by introducing the kids to kids of our friends; who are of various races, religious beliefs and live in houses of varying sizes in as varied neighbourhoods. We homeschool them, and by doing so have so far slightly protected them from political indoctrination, racial discrimination, bullies and to a certain extent, stress.

In spite of already living in our bubble; NOTHING prepared us for COVID.

In a world where people already were cynical of each other; we now hide our smiles behind a mask and can not hug, high five or shake hands.

We can’t make friends in the football field, or freely have a picnic in the park. We can’t have excursions to museums or share a drink with our friend. We can’t partake of a cake that the candles were just blown off by someone else.

Instead, we stay at home, study at home, play with members of our own family, watch a screen on Sundays and call it the gathering of believers. 

How do I bring up my kids in this crazy COVID era? We can’t go on holidays, we can’t travel interstate, we can’t play football or floorball, we can’t swim in a pool. Heck - we can’t even eat at a restaurant. What is the meaning of all this?

What will our children tell their children? What memories do they carry with them? How do we raise kids who experience childhood and its joys and mysteries, while not seeming to be reckless?

From the moment the 2 stripes appeared on the pregnancy test, we had a responsibility to do the best we can for another human being. It was a first then too; nothing prepared me for marriage, pregnancy, motherhood - but I dug deep inside for strength I hoped existed, and give it my all. 

Over the years, with many struggles thrown into the equation, I have grown complacent in my role as a mother. The creator of a magical world for the children to grow up in; to help them dream, and believe dreams come true. To give them a happy childhood.

It’s that time again, to dig deep and create childhood memories that are worth retelling; for creating opportunities to jump in muddy puddles and for showing them that strangers are friends that are yet to be made. The person dressed like a homeless man, is not someone to be feared; but someone to be helped. And in these times, it’s more critical than ever to dig deep, because for a year now we’ve had almost exclusive influence on our children. How they talk, what they remember, what their dreams are made of will be mirroring our views, our dreams, our words... are we going to speak life?

Homeschooling

Homeschooling is in trend now, what with the Covid taking over our lives. Suddenly, everything is at home. Work, study and play. Is it homeschooling though, or school at home?

For me, it started way back - it wasn’t the term or the trend then, it was just what felt right. Many see me staying home with the kids a waste of resources. I still feel that way sometimes; but not often. See, the kids milk me more than I would have given any company. As an employee, I would have left work on time - cos I would have worked for the money. With the kids though, there’s no clock in or clock out, and I get no money out of it.

Many also think we’re rich. Let me tell you a secret - my husband and I are both Accountancy degree holders. He applied his degree to his job, and I applied mine at home. Our ringgit is stretched to pay for assets and investments, and our expenses have not increased much over the years; definitely not in proportion to our earnings. We have one car, which will be paid up in 2 months, we take care of it and make it work for us. We don’t have credit cards, and our only loan is our home loan; which we also wish were paid up already. 

This is the trick. Don’t care about the Joneses. Do what is right, for your family, and your income capacity - everything else will fall into place. If our lifestyle increased with our earring capacity; how will we ever build our investments? How will we ever be satisfied with our EPF funds when we retire? If we become used to living up to our earnings, or beyond - then our retirement funds would have run out before we have a chance to relax. If we are used to credit cards, then our EPF would have been spent before we have a chance to withdraw it. Then, we’d have to take on a part time job - and retirement would be a luxury, just like a mom raising her kids and teaching them is seen as a luxury today.

So no - we are not rich. Nor do we have rich parents - they provided us with food, clothes and education and are actually worried with what we are depriving their grandkids of. The decision to cut 40% of household income to stay home with the baby, was made when we were 4 months pregnant. There were many sacrifices and many people thought it was nuts to be living the way we were. We were happy though. We didn’t buy clothes on a whim, we ate at home, instead of eating out - and realised that the grocery budget was was more than enough. Enough even to buy ingredients to cook fancy meals to be enjoyed at home. Going out was for special occasions. Then, we got used to it; and it has become a lifestyle.

Similarly, we taught our kids - words, manners, games; and it progressed to songs and nursery rhymes and alphabets and numbers. When we taught them though, it wasn’t with a blackboard and a desk - it was whatever, whenever, however, and usually after an interest was shown. 

To be honest, we tried kindergarten with our eldest, and we saw the makings of robots. Just when we found the right kindergarten, appropriately named Institute Of Play; we took a job in another state and couldn’t continue for the next year.

However, as much as they did learn, and found friends - I saw that my son, who was usually hungry for knowledge, became resistant to learning. I researched, of course -  that’s the first time I heard the term ‘interest based learning’ and realised that was what I was doing at home. And it worked well. Why wouldn’t it? They are learning about something they are interested in and mostly through play and from someone who loves them and wants the best for them.

Who can compete with that?

Proverbs 22:6 - Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.

We try our way, based on our interpretation- and your way, or interpretation may differ - and I’m sure God will give you the grace for what He has called you to do; just like He’s given us grace for our journey.

Motherhood

What is motherhood? A gift? A calling? A service? A job?

I think motherhood is a gift, it’s a gift that many woman want, and some get. 

From the moment you feel the first kick, you know nothing else comes close... and then you see his face, you see her stop crying the moment her cheek touches yours - barely seconds out of the womb; you see the eyes that fixes upon yours as they suckle at your breast... and you feel so completely loved.. This tiny human who you felt from within before you set eyes on them.

And then they crawl, they walk, they get weaned off... and they don’t need us so much anymore. With each step they take, it’s a step towards independence. They make their own choices, their own friends.. but they need us still, although it may be from afar. 

Do we resent them for wanting meat instead of suckling at our breast?

Do we envy them for their sparkly eyes when they see their dad? Sparkles that’s mirrored on his eyes to see his kids? Or do we sit back and enjoy the view before us?

Then they grow up, do we resent it if one child does better than the other? Is made worse if the child who excels shares our spouses personality, rather than ours? Do we favour the child who is more like ourselves?

And they fall in love - do we have limitations on the spouse they choose? Do we resent them if they choose different from our perceived station of life that we have determined for them? Are we insecure if they choose a spouse who we are unable to fault? Do we resent them if their spouse respects them, cares for them, cares for their family and is gracious even to us? Are we unable to keep our thrones to lord over our kids and their family if they graciously include us, and don’t ask us for anything, except to continue to love them? Do we resent it that our help is no longer needed? Will we be unable to wish them well, and enjoy the grandkids and the gifts and holiday, without somehow resenting their happiness?

Must our love for our kids be limited by how good it makes us look? 

Are we able to let them shine, on their own, knowing, in our hearts that they’ve heard our heartbeat from within - and unless we do things to show that we are not happy for them - they will always know that they are where they are because of us - not in spite of us?

Loneliness

No man’s an island. 

Sure, there are introverts, like me, who don’t jump at the idea of meeting a group of people; especially if tiptoeing around the white elephant in the room and a lot of small talk is involved. That just means we prefer small groups of people with whom we can be ourselves. I mean, why bother if we’ve got to ACT? We still like people, though... Actually, we need people to do life with.

I’ve reached an age where I’m not too particular how many candles you put on the cake. Sometimes I feel like 16, sometimes it’s just 1. In the last decade or so, I’ve been busier than I’ve every been in my life. Doing the wife thing, the mom thing, the daughter in law thing; all very new to me and with absolutely NO ONE to show me the ropes. 

I don’t get this - when we were young, there’s a text book, an activity book, a teacher and maybe even a tution teacher and not to mention our parents, making sure we study, providing whatever support they can - so we pass some test - on paper! 

Now, life gets thrown at me; there’s no lectures, no textbook but the Bible, no teachers, no one supporting me and this is LIFE, this isn’t some silly test. What if I fail? There’s no re sit.

The best part? When the onlookers think we are doing kinda ok; they add to it - with their demands, wishes and requirements. It’s as if the day we got married, their job was over and now its time for payback.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean to sound like an ungrateful child, no. We love our parents, their many siblings with their respective spouses and kids; but do we really have to attend every function while figuring out our new roles? How about that mother in law who retired the moment she inherited a daughter in law? I love her, but did i want to take over her role? -no.

I’ve had so many struggles but no one to talk to. Am I ungrateful that God has answered my prayers, my cries and has never deserted me? Am I ungrateful that God has given us, what was given by our parents to our siblings? Am I ungrateful that I see so clearly that God is fighting for me? No I am not. Everyday I count my blessings and give Him all the glory. As an accountant by profession, a famous tag line between me and my husband is - God always balances the accounts. 

Am I lonely? Yes.

I’m surrounded by people I love so much, but I’m a homeschooling mom with 3 kids, 3 years apart. Aside from being an introvert, or having my hands full, nothing screams “JUDGE ME” like telling someone I homeschool, or that I’m a ‘housewife’. The immediate response is, ‘oh, your husband must be doing really well’. I don’t even want to go there - what do they know about what they’re talking about?

It’s of course, a great comfort that we have Jesus. It’s how I’ve stayed sane, it’s how I appear put together, it’s how I continue to serve, to love, even from so much hurt. This year though, 2020 - it’s like the flood or something, it feels like a reset. Being unable to hang out with other homeschooling moms, or the moms of the friends of my kids - has forced me to acknowledge that I actually do like interacting, hosting and meeting up with friends, with people who are preferably not related to us, but enjoy our company and the company of our kids.

People who are lonely don’t necessarily live alone or walk around in sackcloth. They might be the busiest people, the prettiest people, with the most put together family.

Deep in our hearts, we all just want our family to be happy for us, and friends to do life with.

Third time's a charm.

 There's something special about the third time - with my third baby, I savoured every moment; cos I knew this was the last. I was also more confident, I knew what to do; I knew the drill.

The third wave of the corona virus outbreak has hit us, and ironically; I welcome the slower pace of life with open arms. 

I wake up early to clean the house before anyone's awake; set it up for the day, switch on the diffuser with something bright and happy; citrusy or minty - depending on what we have planned. Then, I switch on some music, make some coffee, take time to do my devotion, journal maybe, check on social media, do the laundry, prepare breakfast, have a bath...

And they all roll out of beds one by one.

Then back to their rooms to make their beds, have their baths... and we gather for breakfast. The day has started.

I like this. I thank God for this weird year. God keeps allowing the pause button to get hit - there must be something we are not getting.

1 Thessalonians 5 :16-18 says

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

James

I've always 'prayed' and quoted James 1:5, asking God for wisdom and reminding Him that He said He will give it freely.

However, its only today I realised verse 3. I've always turned to Hebrew 11 when my faith needs to be fed, and turned to James 1:5 when my brain needed to be fed. So segmented!

It starts with saying  whenever trouble comes our way, to consider it joy! Huh! No wonder I skimmed pass.

But then it says; For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything! and then, relating to the testing of the faith mentioned above, it says if you need wisdom, ask Him, and He will gladly tell you. He will not resent your asking (oooooohhhhh, not for passing exams!)

If I have another son, I'd like to call him James. I love this book THAT much! But I'm not; so let's stick with unpacking this treasure.

The same verses read at different times, tells us different things; which is why the word of God never grows old. I've been going through a particularly faith testing season. Sometimes, I'm so discouraged that I turn to social media or window shopping online; just to keep my mind occupied. I have unanswered questions and issues that I don't know how to make sense of; or to deal with; or even to answer to when I'm asked about it. Just blank - like how is this even possible?

Almost everyday, I ask myself - are we being judgemental, are we being self righteous, what is the log in our eye that's blocking our vision? I toss and turn, because even when a toxic relationship ends, there's still hurt; as it's always been love that allowed this relationship to go on for so long.

And today God tells me that my endurance has a chance to grow now; for me to be strong in character. I don't have the answers; this book is so power packed that I cannot digest more than a few verses at a time - but I do feel lighter. 

It doesn't say when we are tested - it says when our faith is tested. When we start to question what we believe in, when people we look up to fall short, when we don't know where to turn to, or who to talk to - that we have no choice but to dig into the word of God - that's when our endurance has a chance to grow. 

And while we are in this faith testing, endurance growing, character building season - help is only a prayer away. 

Thank You Jesus!