The Great Lockdown of 2020

This year started as a disappointment.

We start most years with resolutions, and dreams... this year was started almost... disrespectfully. We joked about the year to come, Malaysia's Vision 2020 was to become a developed nation. The thing is, our country had been dragged through the mud, resources depleted, neck high in debt, widespread corruption, weakened currency and so far away from becoming a developed nation. We were in fact in a much worse position from when that vision was made, some 20-25 years ago. The only thing we had going was a democratically elected government; after 60 years.

Sadly that government too, was overthrown; and the very government we voted against; got back in power. The people were dejected, depressed and losing hope...

Then the pandemic hit. 

At first, many took it lightly, saying its just the flu and putting the blame on China making it another racial issue and not heeding warnings; thinking they were immune or that the others were overreacting. Then reports from some European countries who took it lightly, then started surfacing and boy - was it bad.

One event which had 16000 participants, from which some had the virus, started the domino effect of people falling sick, and spreading it far and wide. Within just a couple of weeks the virus went from 'under control' to a 'pandemic'.

There was a movement control order; which is unprecedented in many of our lifetimes. We didn't know how to prepare for it, what to do. Personalities stood out; the toilet roll hoarders, the panic buyers; also the ones who couldn't do so because by mid month, many had gone through their salary and had to wait for the next one.

One thing for sure, none of our Bersih Rallies got us as cleaned up as this virus. Hand sanitizers were more sought after than Louis Vuitton handbags.

So on the 18th of March 2020, barely 3 weeks after the new government made a backdoor entry, the lockdown started.

A bit of chaos in carrying out this order is expected; it's part of the experience - both the government and the pandemic were new. We couldn't have been worse prepared.

But somehow, people stood together, helping each other, giving money and meals to those whose businesses and livelihood was affected by this lockdown.

In many homes, it was a new experience to have everyone together. People talked, cooked together, ate together, played games and watched movies.

The first two weeks weren't too bad for us; as we already home schooled and as my husband worked in healthcare the lockdown didn't apply to him. However after weeks being stuck indoors, in a tiny 1000sq ft condo with not much exercise, everyone was getting a little antsy.

To say it wasn't depressing is a lie. The death toll kept rising; hospitals are saying they're operating above capacity. People in the world over were dying; we are afraid of this virus. We've never seen anything like this before.

While others got hit 2 weeks ago when the lockdown started, and some are even getting into a rhythm by now; for us it's only just hitting us as we are getting tired.

I am reminded, that we have actually been preparing for a time such as this; that this isn't a sprint, its a marathon. That the only way to keep going is to find a new routine and get into it. To refocus on the creator and see, see that what is going on around us is exactly what was said in 2 Chronicles 7:13. Verse 14 tells us what is needed to be done for this to end.

Psalm 91 promises us refuge, hope.

Faith is being confident of what we do not see.

But love is the greatest of the 3. Love doesn't point fingers.

I don't want to be likened to resounding gongs or clanging cymbals.

1 Cointhians 13:13 - And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

When Martha wants to be Mary

More than a decade ago I wrote an article in a church magazine, about Mary and Martha. I was, obviously, Martha.

Now though, older and wiser, (hopefully) I really want to be Mary. 

If we go listening to Jesus's stories and ministering to those who need us, spending time being, instead of doing.... who will do what we usually do?

Who will do the marketing and groceries, who will do the laundry, put food on the table, take care of the kids and elderly?

Do we outsource them to maids? How is this possible, to be Mary? I don't want to be Martha, she's tired, grumpy, resentful - like me.

In the story of the prodigal son, the brother was resentful and angry too. Are all eldest kids like this? Should we throw responsibilities to the wind and go chasing dreams? We might end up stealing from pigs, like the prodigal son did.

Yet, Mary will be remembered forever, for her devotion, for her gratefulness - but Martha just as the resentful sister.

It was the brother of the prodigal son who kept the fathers estate running, it was Martha who put food on the table - yet they're not seen very favourably at all - am I missing something?

So I yield to you and your careful hand, When I trust you I don’t need to understand.

I failed my exams again, and it feels like crap.
I want to blame the world, blame my circumstances, blame God and blame everyone and everything.

But I choose to believe that the thorns make me stronger. That He knows what I’m dealing with daily, He knows my heart, He knows why He’s keeping this from me..

‘Make me a vessel, make me an offering, make me whatever you want me to be’

But God, this is mine.

I’m not a quitter.

Please give me the strength to do what it takes to get to where I want to go. You gave us free will, I’m using mine. Please help me.

And you promised that if I seek you first all these things will be added unto me.

Wine Skin

There has to be new wine skin for new wine. New wine in old wine skin won’t work- why? Because the new wine would cause the old wine skin to burst thus destroying the wine skin and wasting the wine.

Expecting God to work how He has worked in the past, is us confining God to what He can and can’t do. That in itself is limiting our faith, and reducing the power (in our opinion) of an almighty God.

I watched Mary Poppins Returns and even Jane and Micheal Banks had started to doubt whether their adventures with Mary were true; and brushed the kids aside for telling tales.

The sharing in church today about wine skin is not the same, but it’s also taking about a renewing of mindsets, to accept the new things that God has in store for us. Sometimes traditions, ie doing things without knowing why we do it and old mindsets can stand in the way of receiving new things from God. 

There’s a common saying that we can’t expect different results when we keep doing the same things. Yet, changing of oneself is the hardest thing to do. Mindsets, traditions, independence is all difficult to give up. It gives us a security, even if it is a false one. 

She has my eyes and my name..

I look at her, this girl I dreamt of all my life; and in the 100 days she's been with us - she's completely changed our lives.

She's got a calmness about her - a calmness I seek in the midst of chaos. Just looking into her big, clear, sparkly eyes and drowining in her smile.. a few precious moments just lost absorbing the beauty and simplicity of life.

And I know what's important.

It's as if, in that few moments of clarity, all distractions melt away to reveal the true essence and meaning of life - but when we look away and think about it, that's the beginning of the challenge - acting on what's important is actually much harder than chasing after everything else.

Poor Me

I recently realised that I had unwittingly fallen into the trap of telling myself that I was a victim. 

I opened my old fashioned journal, to vent out the injustices done to me and along the way as I read my old entries, I realised that I had become that person whom I so despised, someone who blamed everyone for everything; as if I had no control over my life or anything that happened to me or even what I could achieve in the future.

I also realised that I had, and was still, doing myself a great injustice; and would live my life just going through the motions only to arrive at my deathbed filled with regrets - if I didn't renew my mind, and give myself a wake up call, now.

It also hit me that having a victim mentality is popular; as we get sympathy and many ears are willing listeners to our sad stories- almost as if it makes them feel better about their lives. 

No one looks at a person who seems to have it altogether; and thinks she could do with a coffee, or a call, or a friend. 

The thing is, we are all human; we could all do with a coffee, a call, or a friend. Most times, however, no one thinks of us unless we dress haggard, look tired, or have tardiness as our middle name. 

Or if we have a sad story to share to get people's pity, and give them something to talk about to the next person; inadvertently making them feel like someone has it worse than them thus making them feel better about their own lives.

And when we do have it all together - even if its hanging together by a thread, no one expects you to have anything bad to say about anything in your life - as it would appear as 'ungrateful' instead of 'human'.

So instead of being someone who is largely grateful and thankful with life and its many blessings, but having my own cross to bear none the less; I became someone who focused on the cross and the blessings blurred in the background.

The moment this realisation hit me, it was as if I got a new lease on life. I started having more productive days and a more positive attitude. Sadly, my phone conversations have reduced. No one wants to hear about my new found lease of life; and they too only want to talk about their sad stories which they don't want to continue if I am more optimistic with them and encourage them to join me in shifting our focus.

This journey is a long one and can get challenging for each of us; yet its our duty to our self to be well groomed and to be the best version of ourselves that we can be, daily, - no matter how we feel; in spite of how we feel actually. 

The worse we feel our circumstances are, the more optimistic we should be; as it can only get better.

Let Go and Let God

It’s so hard to not be in control, to not be in the driving seat. We’ve just got to strap up and have faith.

I’ve been an unhappy participant in my life for almost a year now, and most days I’ve been just going about doing things that need to be done to get through the day so I can sleep. It’s not been fun, it’s frankly been depressing and I really feel like I don’t know where we are headed or how are we getting there. 

I’ve not been able to pray, to play, to dream, to laugh; without a leach sucking my happiness and it’s presence, though not painful, drains blood and is a disturbance. 

Why do I allow it to affect me so?

I know nothing will happen to me, I know I can continue on my journey undisturbed. I need to focus my eyes on Jesus. I need to trust my husband that he knows what he’s doing and he will protect me. 

Lord please help this stubborn, control freak to  surrender and to trust you. Please teach me to lean on you. Please give me back my rest, my laughter and most of all... your peace & favour.