Living within your means

My last post, which was supposed to be about the last decade, focused instead a lot, on help. The Bible tells us to love our neighbour as ourselves, if someone asks for a coat, to give your tunic as well. So we know where the stand is on that.

Im now talking about us. Ourselves. How do we live our lives? 

This world we live in is all about consumerism, living up to the Joneses, keeping appearances, doing it all. The thing no one talks about is, can we afford it? Mentally, emotionally, physically or financially. A lot of time, when help was asked from us, it was because people overcrowded their schedule, or went financially into debt as they subscribed to a lifestyle they couldn't afford.

How do we prevent ourselves from overcommitting? How do we say no?

We're often influenced by fear that the opportunity wouldn't present itself again - a business opportunity, a sale, a publicity stint; whatever it may be. My question is, should we take responsibility of the opportunity cost of taking up that opportunity; ie should we find a paid babysitter to watch our kids or should we ask our friends for a favour? Should we cater food and pay for it or ask friends to bring us food? Should we borrow money from friends or save up or take a bank loan which we repay ourselves ?

It's not easy to say no to friends, and many salespeople capitalise on this. However, many friendships are also put on a strain when the parties take advantage of the awkwardness of saying 'no' to push their agendas through.

After agreeing to lend a hand or money a time or two, it gets harder to say no when the same people come back for more. They ALWAYS have a very convincing story where they are a victim of circumstances.

After years of helping, it's impossible to say no without looking like a bad guy. They think it's owed to them, for us to drop our schedules and commitments and see to their needs when they ask. We also have no right to have a say in anything though they behave like they have a right to our resources - be it time or money. Somehow, the universe plays a joke on us and makes us out to be the evil ones for finally plucking up the courage to say no.

Think. 

Yay or Nay?

The decade that has passed...

We celebrated my son's 10th birthday yesterday, which makes me reflect on the last 10 years. A whole decade. I don't usually like putting my thoughts out there, writing parental blogs, or having podcasts or books. It takes too much of me, making myself vulnerable, and exposing my kids and family to judgement - besides, who am I to advice on how to raise your kids - mine are still a work in progress.

I realised, after 10 years, that it's not about having it all figured out; just savouring the moments and sharing the downs and how we got up again, and some ups as well.

On our wedding day, I made a vow to keep our 'bubble' a safe place, and in the last 11 years we have fought hard to keep it that way. It means not sharing struggles within a marriage with anyone outside - as it could undermine each other and thus, the bubble will cease to be a safe place where we can be our true selves (this does not apply, of course if the relationship is abusive in which case outside help is definitely needed). This safeguarding of boundaries and keeping our bubble safe has been one of the keys to a happy home. Neither of us are perfect, but we should be able to be our weird imperfect self in our homes where we know we will be unconditionally accepted and not talked about. Furthermore, life is a journey and we all make mistakes; and in order for our spouses to be our best friends, we should be able to have no secrets from them.

Help is not free. We learnt that early on and had to make tough choices in order to maintain independence. It may seem arrogant, or proud to some, that we try to do it all on our own; but we have been in the position too many times where, after accepting help from someone, they ask for something else from us where we are unable to say no, because of the help accepted. The irony is, we are willing to help others but there are people who take that willingness for granted and just keep coming back for more. Then, they even have the audacity to come up with reasonings on why we are so 'free' to help them. This species - we are still trying to figure out; but we've come to recognise some characteristics so we have a chance to save ourselves before its too late. 

There was once, we broke our code and made an exception to help someone more than we could; it took a lot out of us, and we were snubbed in return. Lesson learned - don't give more than you have to spare, and certainly don't borrow to lend. People don't realise what it cost us, to help them. When we love someone so much that we break our own codes for them; it hurts even more to see them so arrogant that they completely lack even an ounce of respect - even if not for you, then for what you've done. 

People are not happy when we don't ask them for help that they want to give. People are not happy when they can't have your resources on their terms - be it time, money or expertise.  10 years on, I'm looking for people who we can coexist with, have a good time, take turns hosting or go dutch on dinner and go back to living our respective lives; who will try to not impose on you unless it's really an emergency, and who will give help sincerely without asking for anything in return. I'm looking for my tribe.

When someone helps us, write it in a rock; when we help someone write it in sand. That way, we will be grateful for help received but gracious about help given. Jesus may have paid the price for us to have our sins forgiven - but when we're on earth, there's consequences for our actions. And unless we teach our children that - the prisons are going to be filled with Conceited Christian Criminals who think they can bypass the justice system through the blood of Christ. Not really light and salt of the earth as we are supposed to be.

10 years ago, when my son was born, I had an issue with every Tom, Dick and Harry taking pictures of him on their phones and uploading them on Facebook. My parents had an Indonesian helper who even took pictures of him on her phone when he was naked! I knew then that Facebook is like a spy we invited into our home. Of course, many were offended, all of them with no kids of their own; but parenting experts in their own eyes. Now, with Facebook taking over WhatsApp and Instagram, this reality is more scary than ever. I still feel the same about safeguarding the boundaries of our home, and am deeply offended when my guests, especially, who I have hosted take the hospitality to a different level by recording my kids when they are relaxed at home and posting them on social media. Another group I'm trying to decipher as it wouldn't be nice to just not invite them anymore; or to tell my kids to not be too relaxed in our own home.

When we decided that I would quit my job to raise our son, many started speculating that we were rich, my husband was earning a lot of money, or what not. They probably forgot what its like to be in your late 20s and early 30s, starting a home and family - they were just not happy that we wouldn't be depending on them to help out and so they couldn't control us. Believe it or not, the demands on us increased. Single income, new parents, with a whole lot of bills to pay - and the demands on us, by those we loved most, increased. It wasn't a bed of roses - it was full of poopy diapers and bills - but the smiles our son gave us, the simple home cooked food we enjoyed, and the happiness inside our bubble was worth it. The foundations were being built. In between midnight feeds and weekend family visits.

I love hosting, but I love to be hosted as well. I don't like babysitting kids, unless it's going to be reciprocated with my kids having a fun, safe wholesome time too. I'm done craving acceptance and wanting to be liked. I'm done doing things to please others. I'm done sharing my heart out to people thinking they really care, only to find out they're just digging for a juicy story.  I've got an obligation to the kids, I'm accountable to my other half, who works hard financing us, I've got an obligation to myself; to do the best I can.

And guess what? I find that when we have God at the centre of our marriage, as the anchor of our lives, and when we know that He's got our back - there is peace in the chaos; and beauty in the ordinary. 

God does not see as man sees, man looks at the outward appearance but God looks at our heart. Meaning He knows the why's; people may misunderstand us, but that's on them - and I've noticed that they'll realise their folly given enough time. The secrets of the heart will eventually come out - in word or deed, good or bad. We've got to keep the Bible as our compass and our anchor. There's just no other way.

Sekian. Some lessons learnt in the past decade. Still learning, might have to unlearn some and learn it again, but that post will be for the next decade.

Another New Beginning

It's not easy to 're-start' in a new place. Yet, it can be seen as an opportunity many do not have. We have a chance to make new friends, to add to the friends we already have; a chance to call a new city 'home', a chance to break from routines and start again; evaluating which added value and which used up time. A chance to create new boundaries, a chance to do things the way we wished we did it the last time around. A chance to see which friendships stood the test of time, who were happy to have us back and who were envious of God's favour and secretly wishing we came back with our head hung low. Yes, there are those too....

We've been blessed to be given a chance to reboot twice now, one five years after our marriage and then another five years later. The first one was welcomed with open arms, and we were eager for the adventures ahead. It has been a wonderful journey; with its ups and downs - but most importantly, it gave us the opportunity to breathe, to get to know ourselves, to make friends, to enjoy nature and family and friendships. However, the only reason we were willing to move was because we needed a new scenery, ie the road had become too tough. Too demanding, we needed to be just us for awhile. And it was good.

This new move though, was not so welcomed, but it was time. We knew it in our hearts that our previous adventure was not the final one. In many ways, it's proven to be good. In some ways, it's been sad, as character shines through bullshit and people who honour on social media dishonour and hurt us in person.  From across the South China Sea, it's easy to let it go; but from here, I guess the time for escapism is over.  Hopefully the years we had to grow; has prepared us for the next lap.

Matthew 23 reminded me that religious leaders were warned not to follow the Pharisees. However the description of the Pharisees sounded very much like the said people; who have been given the place of honour by independent religious organisations; and now think they deserve such titles and honour - without education, experience or character that is befitting of such titles.

We ran away the last time; believing there's something wrong with us, because we didn't speak bullshit; it's known by many terms - tact, charisma, whatever - the gene we didn't have. We came back realising there are many people like us, who like us, and who we have come to admire, even after all the sparkle wears out.

I pray God gives us the strength and endurance for this journey. That we will rise up to be what we have been called to be. And that He will comfort us for what we have lost.

52 days and a new view

Some people take longer to get the message, and sadly I might be one of them. 

When this virus reared its ugly head, it was all doom and gloom for many, including me. We focused on what we cannot do, we were waiting for it to end, and just passed time watching movies and shopping online.

Somewhere in the third week, I decided to get myself together and make the most of this time. As the focus shifted, I noticed we watched less movies, and stopped looking at the swimming pool so wistfully. 

We read more, we talked more, we played more. I got some filing work done, some planning, journalling, caught up on bible reading; and the kids... they played more, fought more, learnt how to be happy with themselves and their space instead of always needing their time to be filled with activities - most significantly, I don't hear them whining that they're bored (which they did, even before the lockdown)

They are excited to study, and just as excited to have the day off. I've loosened up on the meals as I notice it seemed as if we have been eating all day! So we have a good nutritious breakfast, and then dinner. In between, they have milk, fruits or make themselves a sandwich if they are hungry. It makes so much more sense, and it's easier on everyone. 

When this lockdown ends, I'm more than ready to meet friends, family and friends who are like family. But in the meantime, I'm thankful for our home; I'm thankful that throughout the years we have constantly strived to make it our bubble, our safe place, our happy place, our home. Caring for others is important, and noble; but we first need to care for ourselves. Caring for ourselves, for me, is having a place that I can wind down in, that I can be myself in, that I don't need to worry about being judged or having my every movement, misstep and weakness reported out, and I thank God for that; for I no longer take it for granted. 

And just as I am grateful for my space, I'm grateful for this time; time to catch up on things put off, time to catch up on conversations and studies and creativity and sleep. Time to compete with ourselves and not with the Joneses. Time to look in the mirror, and after a long, hard look; get to working on areas I'm not to happy with - physically, spiritually or mentally.

Lastly, but most importantly, I'm grateful for the hope we have in Christ, for His unchanging love and His word that remains true through the seasons. It's the only thing that did not change at all in this pandemic. They never rang truer than they do now :-

1 Corinthians 13:13 says 

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Love, Anne

The Great Lockdown of 2020

This year started as a disappointment.

We start most years with resolutions, and dreams... this year was started almost... disrespectfully. We joked about the year to come, Malaysia's Vision 2020 was to become a developed nation. The thing is, our country had been dragged through the mud, resources depleted, neck high in debt, widespread corruption, weakened currency and so far away from becoming a developed nation. We were in fact in a much worse position from when that vision was made, some 20-25 years ago. The only thing we had going was a democratically elected government; after 60 years.

Sadly that government too, was overthrown; and the very government we voted against; got back in power. The people were dejected, depressed and losing hope...

Then the pandemic hit. 

At first, many took it lightly, saying its just the flu and putting the blame on China making it another racial issue and not heeding warnings; thinking they were immune or that the others were overreacting. Then reports from some European countries who took it lightly, then started surfacing and boy - was it bad.

One event which had 16000 participants, from which some had the virus, started the domino effect of people falling sick, and spreading it far and wide. Within just a couple of weeks the virus went from 'under control' to a 'pandemic'.

There was a movement control order; which is unprecedented in many of our lifetimes. We didn't know how to prepare for it, what to do. Personalities stood out; the toilet roll hoarders, the panic buyers; also the ones who couldn't do so because by mid month, many had gone through their salary and had to wait for the next one.

One thing for sure, none of our Bersih Rallies got us as cleaned up as this virus. Hand sanitizers were more sought after than Louis Vuitton handbags.

So on the 18th of March 2020, barely 3 weeks after the new government made a backdoor entry, the lockdown started.

A bit of chaos in carrying out this order is expected; it's part of the experience - both the government and the pandemic were new. We couldn't have been worse prepared.

But somehow, people stood together, helping each other, giving money and meals to those whose businesses and livelihood was affected by this lockdown.

In many homes, it was a new experience to have everyone together. People talked, cooked together, ate together, played games and watched movies.

The first two weeks weren't too bad for us; as we already home schooled and as my husband worked in healthcare the lockdown didn't apply to him. However after weeks being stuck indoors, in a tiny 1000sq ft condo with not much exercise, everyone was getting a little antsy.

To say it wasn't depressing is a lie. The death toll kept rising; hospitals are saying they're operating above capacity. People in the world over were dying; we are afraid of this virus. We've never seen anything like this before.

While others got hit 2 weeks ago when the lockdown started, and some are even getting into a rhythm by now; for us it's only just hitting us as we are getting tired.

I am reminded, that we have actually been preparing for a time such as this; that this isn't a sprint, its a marathon. That the only way to keep going is to find a new routine and get into it. To refocus on the creator and see, see that what is going on around us is exactly what was said in 2 Chronicles 7:13. Verse 14 tells us what is needed to be done for this to end.

Psalm 91 promises us refuge, hope.

Faith is being confident of what we do not see.

But love is the greatest of the 3. Love doesn't point fingers.

I don't want to be likened to resounding gongs or clanging cymbals.

1 Cointhians 13:13 - And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

When Martha wants to be Mary

More than a decade ago I wrote an article in a church magazine, about Mary and Martha. I was, obviously, Martha.

Now though, older and wiser, (hopefully) I really want to be Mary. 

If we go listening to Jesus's stories and ministering to those who need us, spending time being, instead of doing.... who will do what we usually do?

Who will do the marketing and groceries, who will do the laundry, put food on the table, take care of the kids and elderly?

Do we outsource them to maids? How is this possible, to be Mary? I don't want to be Martha, she's tired, grumpy, resentful - like me.

In the story of the prodigal son, the brother was resentful and angry too. Are all eldest kids like this? Should we throw responsibilities to the wind and go chasing dreams? We might end up stealing from pigs, like the prodigal son did.

Yet, Mary will be remembered forever, for her devotion, for her gratefulness - but Martha just as the resentful sister.

It was the brother of the prodigal son who kept the fathers estate running, it was Martha who put food on the table - yet they're not seen very favourably at all - am I missing something?

So I yield to you and your careful hand, When I trust you I don’t need to understand.

I failed my exams again, and it feels like crap.
I want to blame the world, blame my circumstances, blame God and blame everyone and everything.

But I choose to believe that the thorns make me stronger. That He knows what I’m dealing with daily, He knows my heart, He knows why He’s keeping this from me..

‘Make me a vessel, make me an offering, make me whatever you want me to be’

But God, this is mine.

I’m not a quitter.

Please give me the strength to do what it takes to get to where I want to go. You gave us free will, I’m using mine. Please help me.

And you promised that if I seek you first all these things will be added unto me.