So I yield to you and your careful hand, When I trust you I don’t need to understand.

I failed my exams again, and it feels like crap.
I want to blame the world, blame my circumstances, blame God and blame everyone and everything.

But I choose to believe that the thorns make me stronger. That He knows what I’m dealing with daily, He knows my heart, He knows why He’s keeping this from me..

‘Make me a vessel, make me an offering, make me whatever you want me to be’

But God, this is mine.

I’m not a quitter.

Please give me the strength to do what it takes to get to where I want to go. You gave us free will, I’m using mine. Please help me.

And you promised that if I seek you first all these things will be added unto me.

Wine Skin

There has to be new wine skin for new wine. New wine in old wine skin won’t work- why? Because the new wine would cause the old wine skin to burst thus destroying the wine skin and wasting the wine.

Expecting God to work how He has worked in the past, is us confining God to what He can and can’t do. That in itself is limiting our faith, and reducing the power (in our opinion) of an almighty God.

I watched Mary Poppins Returns and even Jane and Micheal Banks had started to doubt whether their adventures with Mary were true; and brushed the kids aside for telling tales.

The sharing in church today about wine skin is not the same, but it’s also taking about a renewing of mindsets, to accept the new things that God has in store for us. Sometimes traditions, ie doing things without knowing why we do it and old mindsets can stand in the way of receiving new things from God. 

There’s a common saying that we can’t expect different results when we keep doing the same things. Yet, changing of oneself is the hardest thing to do. Mindsets, traditions, independence is all difficult to give up. It gives us a security, even if it is a false one. 

She has my eyes and my name..

I look at her, this girl I dreamt of all my life; and in the 100 days she's been with us - she's completely changed our lives.

She's got a calmness about her - a calmness I seek in the midst of chaos. Just looking into her big, clear, sparkly eyes and drowining in her smile.. a few precious moments just lost absorbing the beauty and simplicity of life.

And I know what's important.

It's as if, in that few moments of clarity, all distractions melt away to reveal the true essence and meaning of life - but when we look away and think about it, that's the beginning of the challenge - acting on what's important is actually much harder than chasing after everything else.

Poor Me

I recently realised that I had unwittingly fallen into the trap of telling myself that I was a victim. 

I opened my old fashioned journal, to vent out the injustices done to me and along the way as I read my old entries, I realised that I had become that person whom I so despised, someone who blamed everyone for everything; as if I had no control over my life or anything that happened to me or even what I could achieve in the future.

I also realised that I had, and was still, doing myself a great injustice; and would live my life just going through the motions only to arrive at my deathbed filled with regrets - if I didn't renew my mind, and give myself a wake up call, now.

It also hit me that having a victim mentality is popular; as we get sympathy and many ears are willing listeners to our sad stories- almost as if it makes them feel better about their lives. 

No one looks at a person who seems to have it altogether; and thinks she could do with a coffee, or a call, or a friend. 

The thing is, we are all human; we could all do with a coffee, a call, or a friend. Most times, however, no one thinks of us unless we dress haggard, look tired, or have tardiness as our middle name. 

Or if we have a sad story to share to get people's pity, and give them something to talk about to the next person; inadvertently making them feel like someone has it worse than them thus making them feel better about their own lives.

And when we do have it all together - even if its hanging together by a thread, no one expects you to have anything bad to say about anything in your life - as it would appear as 'ungrateful' instead of 'human'.

So instead of being someone who is largely grateful and thankful with life and its many blessings, but having my own cross to bear none the less; I became someone who focused on the cross and the blessings blurred in the background.

The moment this realisation hit me, it was as if I got a new lease on life. I started having more productive days and a more positive attitude. Sadly, my phone conversations have reduced. No one wants to hear about my new found lease of life; and they too only want to talk about their sad stories which they don't want to continue if I am more optimistic with them and encourage them to join me in shifting our focus.

This journey is a long one and can get challenging for each of us; yet its our duty to our self to be well groomed and to be the best version of ourselves that we can be, daily, - no matter how we feel; in spite of how we feel actually. 

The worse we feel our circumstances are, the more optimistic we should be; as it can only get better.

Let Go and Let God

It’s so hard to not be in control, to not be in the driving seat. We’ve just got to strap up and have faith.

I’ve been an unhappy participant in my life for almost a year now, and most days I’ve been just going about doing things that need to be done to get through the day so I can sleep. It’s not been fun, it’s frankly been depressing and I really feel like I don’t know where we are headed or how are we getting there. 

I’ve not been able to pray, to play, to dream, to laugh; without a leach sucking my happiness and it’s presence, though not painful, drains blood and is a disturbance. 

Why do I allow it to affect me so?

I know nothing will happen to me, I know I can continue on my journey undisturbed. I need to focus my eyes on Jesus. I need to trust my husband that he knows what he’s doing and he will protect me. 

Lord please help this stubborn, control freak to  surrender and to trust you. Please teach me to lean on you. Please give me back my rest, my laughter and most of all... your peace & favour. 

Ponderings

Life is not easy, to say the least. Nothing in life, that's worth having, comes easy.

Yet, in the difficulties that life brings us, if we can find beauty in the colours of a rainbow, in the laughter of children, or in the quietness of being with someone with whom no words is needed; we find that a journey strewn with difficulties can still be beautiful.

There are choices we make, people we choose to be with, that bring us to even narrower and less trodden paths; perhaps even more difficult than others. Yet, it's these very choices that make us who we are, and make our lives a journey  that are uniquely ours.
 

Then once in a blessed while, we get to feel the slightest flutter of a new life, from within. All eager for the pages of his or her life to unfold, and we realise, with wonderment, what a miracle life is.

The miracle of life, is made even more magical when we see that it encapsulates ourself, and the one person with whom we choose to share life's journey with. The beauty of creating life with your better half, a baby with both our DNA, flesh, blood... To think the smile that filled my dreams live on in the faces of our kids... 

Rantings of an aspiring homeschool mom

How do I know if my son will thrive or wither in homeschooling? How will I know if I can do it? I'm so convinced that education in our land isn't worth the time they waste in school, but is it worth it just for the social interaction? For the push to try new things? My son is not adventurous but he has the skills & confidence to carry it out - if he wants to. I want to push him to try new things. Should I? Should I give him time believing that he will one day want to explore these opportunities? Is homeschooling for the introvert?