Another New Beginning

It's not easy to 're-start' in a new place. Yet, it can be seen as an opportunity many do not have. We have a chance to make new friends, to add to the friends we already have; a chance to call a new city 'home', a chance to break from routines and start again; evaluating which added value and which used up time. A chance to create new boundaries, a chance to do things the way we wished we did it the last time around. A chance to see which friendships stood the test of time, who were happy to have us back and who were envious of God's favour and secretly wishing we came back with our head hung low. Yes, there are those too....

We've been blessed to be given a chance to reboot twice now, one five years after our marriage and then another five years later. The first one was welcomed with open arms, and we were eager for the adventures ahead. It has been a wonderful journey; with its ups and downs - but most importantly, it gave us the opportunity to breathe, to get to know ourselves, to make friends, to enjoy nature and family and friendships. However, the only reason we were willing to move was because we needed a new scenery, ie the road had become too tough. Too demanding, we needed to be just us for awhile. And it was good.

This new move though, was not so welcomed, but it was time. We knew it in our hearts that our previous adventure was not the final one. In many ways, it's proven to be good. In some ways, it's been sad, as character shines through bullshit and people who honour on social media dishonour and hurt us in person.  From across the South China Sea, it's easy to let it go; but from here, I guess the time for escapism is over.  Hopefully the years we had to grow; has prepared us for the next lap.

Matthew 23 reminded me that religious leaders were warned not to follow the Pharisees. However the description of the Pharisees sounded very much like the said people; who have been given the place of honour by independent religious organisations; and now think they deserve such titles and honour - without education, experience or character that is befitting of such titles.

We ran away the last time; believing there's something wrong with us, because we didn't speak bullshit; it's known by many terms - tact, charisma, whatever - the gene we didn't have. We came back realising there are many people like us, who like us, and who we have come to admire, even after all the sparkle wears out.

I pray God gives us the strength and endurance for this journey. That we will rise up to be what we have been called to be. And that He will comfort us for what we have lost.

52 days and a new view

Some people take longer to get the message, and sadly I might be one of them. 

When this virus reared its ugly head, it was all doom and gloom for many, including me. We focused on what we cannot do, we were waiting for it to end, and just passed time watching movies and shopping online.

Somewhere in the third week, I decided to get myself together and make the most of this time. As the focus shifted, I noticed we watched less movies, and stopped looking at the swimming pool so wistfully. 

We read more, we talked more, we played more. I got some filing work done, some planning, journalling, caught up on bible reading; and the kids... they played more, fought more, learnt how to be happy with themselves and their space instead of always needing their time to be filled with activities - most significantly, I don't hear them whining that they're bored (which they did, even before the lockdown)

They are excited to study, and just as excited to have the day off. I've loosened up on the meals as I notice it seemed as if we have been eating all day! So we have a good nutritious breakfast, and then dinner. In between, they have milk, fruits or make themselves a sandwich if they are hungry. It makes so much more sense, and it's easier on everyone. 

When this lockdown ends, I'm more than ready to meet friends, family and friends who are like family. But in the meantime, I'm thankful for our home; I'm thankful that throughout the years we have constantly strived to make it our bubble, our safe place, our happy place, our home. Caring for others is important, and noble; but we first need to care for ourselves. Caring for ourselves, for me, is having a place that I can wind down in, that I can be myself in, that I don't need to worry about being judged or having my every movement, misstep and weakness reported out, and I thank God for that; for I no longer take it for granted. 

And just as I am grateful for my space, I'm grateful for this time; time to catch up on things put off, time to catch up on conversations and studies and creativity and sleep. Time to compete with ourselves and not with the Joneses. Time to look in the mirror, and after a long, hard look; get to working on areas I'm not to happy with - physically, spiritually or mentally.

Lastly, but most importantly, I'm grateful for the hope we have in Christ, for His unchanging love and His word that remains true through the seasons. It's the only thing that did not change at all in this pandemic. They never rang truer than they do now :-

1 Corinthians 13:13 says 

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Love, Anne

The Great Lockdown of 2020

This year started as a disappointment.

We start most years with resolutions, and dreams... this year was started almost... disrespectfully. We joked about the year to come, Malaysia's Vision 2020 was to become a developed nation. The thing is, our country had been dragged through the mud, resources depleted, neck high in debt, widespread corruption, weakened currency and so far away from becoming a developed nation. We were in fact in a much worse position from when that vision was made, some 20-25 years ago. The only thing we had going was a democratically elected government; after 60 years.

Sadly that government too, was overthrown; and the very government we voted against; got back in power. The people were dejected, depressed and losing hope...

Then the pandemic hit. 

At first, many took it lightly, saying its just the flu and putting the blame on China making it another racial issue and not heeding warnings; thinking they were immune or that the others were overreacting. Then reports from some European countries who took it lightly, then started surfacing and boy - was it bad.

One event which had 16000 participants, from which some had the virus, started the domino effect of people falling sick, and spreading it far and wide. Within just a couple of weeks the virus went from 'under control' to a 'pandemic'.

There was a movement control order; which is unprecedented in many of our lifetimes. We didn't know how to prepare for it, what to do. Personalities stood out; the toilet roll hoarders, the panic buyers; also the ones who couldn't do so because by mid month, many had gone through their salary and had to wait for the next one.

One thing for sure, none of our Bersih Rallies got us as cleaned up as this virus. Hand sanitizers were more sought after than Louis Vuitton handbags.

So on the 18th of March 2020, barely 3 weeks after the new government made a backdoor entry, the lockdown started.

A bit of chaos in carrying out this order is expected; it's part of the experience - both the government and the pandemic were new. We couldn't have been worse prepared.

But somehow, people stood together, helping each other, giving money and meals to those whose businesses and livelihood was affected by this lockdown.

In many homes, it was a new experience to have everyone together. People talked, cooked together, ate together, played games and watched movies.

The first two weeks weren't too bad for us; as we already home schooled and as my husband worked in healthcare the lockdown didn't apply to him. However after weeks being stuck indoors, in a tiny 1000sq ft condo with not much exercise, everyone was getting a little antsy.

To say it wasn't depressing is a lie. The death toll kept rising; hospitals are saying they're operating above capacity. People in the world over were dying; we are afraid of this virus. We've never seen anything like this before.

While others got hit 2 weeks ago when the lockdown started, and some are even getting into a rhythm by now; for us it's only just hitting us as we are getting tired.

I am reminded, that we have actually been preparing for a time such as this; that this isn't a sprint, its a marathon. That the only way to keep going is to find a new routine and get into it. To refocus on the creator and see, see that what is going on around us is exactly what was said in 2 Chronicles 7:13. Verse 14 tells us what is needed to be done for this to end.

Psalm 91 promises us refuge, hope.

Faith is being confident of what we do not see.

But love is the greatest of the 3. Love doesn't point fingers.

I don't want to be likened to resounding gongs or clanging cymbals.

1 Cointhians 13:13 - And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

When Martha wants to be Mary

More than a decade ago I wrote an article in a church magazine, about Mary and Martha. I was, obviously, Martha.

Now though, older and wiser, (hopefully) I really want to be Mary. 

If we go listening to Jesus's stories and ministering to those who need us, spending time being, instead of doing.... who will do what we usually do?

Who will do the marketing and groceries, who will do the laundry, put food on the table, take care of the kids and elderly?

Do we outsource them to maids? How is this possible, to be Mary? I don't want to be Martha, she's tired, grumpy, resentful - like me.

In the story of the prodigal son, the brother was resentful and angry too. Are all eldest kids like this? Should we throw responsibilities to the wind and go chasing dreams? We might end up stealing from pigs, like the prodigal son did.

Yet, Mary will be remembered forever, for her devotion, for her gratefulness - but Martha just as the resentful sister.

It was the brother of the prodigal son who kept the fathers estate running, it was Martha who put food on the table - yet they're not seen very favourably at all - am I missing something?

So I yield to you and your careful hand, When I trust you I don’t need to understand.

I failed my exams again, and it feels like crap.
I want to blame the world, blame my circumstances, blame God and blame everyone and everything.

But I choose to believe that the thorns make me stronger. That He knows what I’m dealing with daily, He knows my heart, He knows why He’s keeping this from me..

‘Make me a vessel, make me an offering, make me whatever you want me to be’

But God, this is mine.

I’m not a quitter.

Please give me the strength to do what it takes to get to where I want to go. You gave us free will, I’m using mine. Please help me.

And you promised that if I seek you first all these things will be added unto me.

Wine Skin

There has to be new wine skin for new wine. New wine in old wine skin won’t work- why? Because the new wine would cause the old wine skin to burst thus destroying the wine skin and wasting the wine.

Expecting God to work how He has worked in the past, is us confining God to what He can and can’t do. That in itself is limiting our faith, and reducing the power (in our opinion) of an almighty God.

I watched Mary Poppins Returns and even Jane and Micheal Banks had started to doubt whether their adventures with Mary were true; and brushed the kids aside for telling tales.

The sharing in church today about wine skin is not the same, but it’s also taking about a renewing of mindsets, to accept the new things that God has in store for us. Sometimes traditions, ie doing things without knowing why we do it and old mindsets can stand in the way of receiving new things from God. 

There’s a common saying that we can’t expect different results when we keep doing the same things. Yet, changing of oneself is the hardest thing to do. Mindsets, traditions, independence is all difficult to give up. It gives us a security, even if it is a false one. 

She has my eyes and my name..

I look at her, this girl I dreamt of all my life; and in the 100 days she's been with us - she's completely changed our lives.

She's got a calmness about her - a calmness I seek in the midst of chaos. Just looking into her big, clear, sparkly eyes and drowining in her smile.. a few precious moments just lost absorbing the beauty and simplicity of life.

And I know what's important.

It's as if, in that few moments of clarity, all distractions melt away to reveal the true essence and meaning of life - but when we look away and think about it, that's the beginning of the challenge - acting on what's important is actually much harder than chasing after everything else.